I don’t do that anymore

I ran into this guy today who used to pop into the church now and then when I was a pastor. He was one of those guys who didn’t really know much about Christianity and didn’t seem to put much effort into it. But he talked a lot about it when he was at church. I remember he used a lot of real sappy spiritual language all the time. He asked how the church was going. I guess he hasn’t been back in a couple of years.

“I’m not the pastor there anymore.”

“Really? Did you go to another church?”

“No man, I don’t do that anymore.”

This dumbfounded him. Like it never crossed his mind that you could be a minister and then not be one. He seemed distressed by the idea.“What do you mean you don’t do that anymore? You took vows and shit, right?”

“Nope.”

“Why did you stop?”

I still don’t know how to explain this to people.”I just couldn’t do it anymore. Whatever you need to do that, I ran out of it I guess.”

His shoulder sagged a bit and he looked away.

“Man!”

I had this feeling that I needed to do something more with this encounter. Maybe ask how he was doing spiritually or something. Bu honestly, I don’t even know what that means. And then I got really angry and said “NO!” to myself in a stern voice.

We said we should get together sometime. But I doubt if we will.

I just can’t shake this feeling that somehow I dropped the ball with this encounter. And I feel bad about it. I have to admit that. I do feel badly. And I’m kind of pissed that I feel bad, if that makes any sense. I’m angry that I feel bad. And it makes me not want to run into anyone like this again.

Because right now, I just don’t want to feel bad anymore. When I was a pastor, I felt bad all the time. I was never good enough for Jesus. Never cared enough about people. Never enough.

I hate that shit so much.

Gordon

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