EssaysRLP Archive

My final entry


i think i killed real live preacher

i didnt mean to i thought resigning as the pastor of covenant baptist church would be its own thing i thought it would remove something from my life that had become

too much

i thought i could just cut that loose and then i would be free to give real live preacher more time and attention like he always wanted and begged for he always wanted more than i could give him he always wanted to be first in my life before god and before jeanene and even before the three sisters but i never let him no sir i never did but i will allow he came close

but when i slew that giant powerful heavy wonderful frightening compulsive addictive dangerous-as-hell role called PREACHER it brought down the whole house
so i dont know but i think real live preacher as we knew him is dead now i don’t know though i dont really know anything anymore

well i know this i come back to this place now and it seems dead to me the graphic on the top that i created so carefully with its spiritual dream imagery reminds me of 2005 and i know this i know that right now the idea that anyone in the world except jeanene and the three sisters needing anything from me or thinking that im smart and spiritual and able to give them any thoughts about god and life and meaning is horrifying to me there isnt any reason to talk about whether i should or shouldnt be that way because i cant be that way right now

i was a preacher for a long time and i did the best i could with it and i even liked preaching and thinking i was helping people

i was real live preacher for a long time and i did the best i could with it and i even liked writing and i think i wrote some good things here

but every thing has its season and if you dont know when that season is over you end up shrinking and becoming small and protective and boring so i have to say goodbye to real live preacher i have to shut this down

i need to find some other kind of writing way of being ill post something here if I figure out what that is


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